Family in the Bible

Site: Jayden12.com › Rock › Family

Section: Divine ⋅ Boundaries ⋅ Parenting ⋅ Conclusions

Image credit: http://clipart-library.com/family-stick-figures.html

There is pressure from all sides to reinvent the definition of what family means. (Is society family, do 2 men make a family, is marriage relevant, what's a parent's role, is monogamy realistic?) But how is family described in the Bible? Because the Bible is God's word, and what God says is important, so let's play connect the dots.

Divine Analogy

God cares (pays great attention to) our family relationships/blood connections/biological heritage:

Genesis 2:22 hub
Genesis 6:18 hub
Genesis 12:2-3 hub
Genesis 17:6 hub
Genesis 17:16 hub
Genesis 17:20 hub

There's a warning and a promise built into the second of the 10 Commandments:

Exodus 20:4-6 hub

First let's discuss the promise (repeated Exodus 34:6-7 and Deuteronomy 5:9-10). That's some promise. "A thousand generations" is a long time. If we say a generation is even as low as 15 years, that would be 15,000 years. And remember that God gave the 10 Commandments hundreds of years after Abraham:

Genesis 12:4 hub
Genesis 15:5-6 hub
Genesis 18:11 hub
Genesis 21:5 hub

And hundreds of years after the 10 Commandments, God was still bragging about Abraham, a man who had loved God, taken Him seriously, and kept His commands:

Isaiah 41:8 hub

And still hundreds of years after Isaiah, we find Jesus discussing "heirs" with His opponents:

Matthew 22:41-46 hub

Continuing the promise of family importance, God doubled down the promise He had given to Abraham while talking to Abraham's descendent, David.

2 Samuel 7:12-16 hub

David wrote about God's general promise in Psalm 103:17-18. These promises are (at least one of the reasons) why it's so important that Matthew and Luke preserved Jesus's lineage:

Matthew 1:1 hub
Luke 3:31-34 hub

God made some huge promises to Abraham, and either God had to keep those promises or He'd be either a liar or incompetent. The genealogies help prove that God fulfilled those promises. By showing the direct biological (family) connection from Adam to Abraham to David to Jesus, this demonstrates God's integrity and character.

Next let's discuss that warning we read in the second of the 10 Commandments (Exodus 20:5, repeated numerous times in Exodus 34:7, Numbers 14:18, Deuteronomy 5:9, and Isaiah 14:20-21). At first God may seem harsh. Punishing the children? Why? Because kids are naturally like their parents. There are many times in the Bible where a leader made poor choices and his descendents kept up the tradition and even did worse (1 Kings 14:9, 22, 1 Kings 15:3, 26, 34, 1 Kings 16:25, 1 Kings 16:30). Sometimes even bragging they'd do worse than their parents (1 Kings 12:13-14). Because if dad did it then it must be ok for me to do it too. It's very hard for someone on the outside of that father/son relationship to step in and say "what your dad did was horrible, and son you'd better do the opposite." So God's not picking on kids, He's saying He knows human nature:

Genesis 8:21 hub
Jeremiah 16:12 hub
Jeremiah 17:9 hub
Luke 11:11-13 hub
John 2:24-25 hub

He's also trying to warn us in advance that if we blindly follow our ancestors, that could lead to trouble. Rather than our ancestors, we need to follow God. He describes this explicitly in Ezekiel 18 and Jeremiah 31:29-34. That warning is specifically a warning, not a curse. (Especially when it comes to capital offenses: Deuteronomy 24:16.) There are numerous instances where God declares if we repent then He will forgive (for example, Ezekiel 18:32) and there are even more examples of Him faithfully following through. Despite our crudeness/callousness, our Creator obviously cares greatly for His creation, especially the children. He said so himself multiple times when He visited us in person:

Deuteronomy 31:12-13 hub
Isaiah 54:13 hub
Mark 10:13-16 hub
Matthew 11:25-26 hub
Matthew 18:1-7 hub
Matthew 18:10-14 hub
Luke 17:1-4 hub
Acts 2:39 hub

Family is also clearly important to God because He describes Himself in familial terms:

Heavenly Father:

Matthew 5:48 hub
Matthew 6:14 hub
Matthew 6:26 hub
Matthew 6:32 hub
Matthew 15:13 hub
Matthew 18:35 hub

Son of God:

Matthew 4:6 hub
Mark 1:1 hub
Luke 1:35 hub
Luke 3:22 hub
Luke 4:41 hub
John 5:25 hub
John 20:31 hub
Acts 9:20 hub
Romans 1:4 hub
1 John 4:15 hub
(more)

My Father:

Matthew 7:21 hub
Matthew 26:39 hub
Luke 10:22 hub
John 5:17-18 hub
John 8:54 hub

Our Father:

Isaiah 64:8 hub
Matthew 6:9-15 hub

A Father figure:

Deuteronomy 1:29-31 hub
Deuteronomy 8:5 hub
Deuteronomy 32:6 hub
Psalm 68:5 hub
Jeremiah 31:9 hub
Ephesians 3:14-15 hub
2 Corinthians 6:18 hub
1 John 1:3 hub

Husband:

Isaiah 54:5 hub
Jeremiah 31:32 hub
Ezekiel 16:32 hub
Hosea 2:16 hub
1 Corinthians 11:3 hub
Ephesians 1:22 hub
Ephesians 5:23 hub
Colossians 1:15,18 hub
Colossians 2:10 hub
Revelation 21:2 hub

Still more family highlights:

Deuteronomy 32:18-20 hub
Isaiah 1:2 hub
Isaiah 49:15 hub
Isaiah 66:13 hub
Jeremiah 31:32 hub
Hosea 11:3-4 hub
Malachi 3:17 hub
Matthew 12:50 hub
Matthew 23:37 hub
Luke 15:11-32 hub
Galatians 3:26 hub

Clearly if we lose our understanding of earthly family then our ability to relate to God will be damaged.

John 3:12 hub

Boundaries

Notice how the Bible records the first 2 words God ever said directly to humanity:

Genesis 1:28 hub

And the theme never lets up:

Genesis 9:1 hub
Genesis 9:7 hub
Genesis 35:11 hub
Leviticus 26:9 hub
Psalm 128:3 hub
Jeremiah 23:3 hub
Ezekiel 36:11 hub
Hosea 14:8 hub
Malachi 2:15 hub

How are we to accomplish this? The solution is pretty simple:

Genesis 3:16 hub
Genesis 3:20 hub
Genesis 4:1 hub
Genesis 4:17 hub
Genesis 16:4 hub
Genesis 29:31 hub
Ruth 4:13 hub
2 Samuel 11:5 hub
Isaiah 8:3 hub
Hosea 1:3 hub
Luke 1:30-35 hub

There is only one way to fulfill the command God gave us. It has been observed scientifically that only living things are capable of producing more life (the Law of Biogenesis). And there is an important technicality here:

Genesis 1:27 hub
Genesis 5:2 hub
Genesis 6:19 hub

The distinction of male and female is not trivial and not to be dismissed. Each has a very specific purpose in the circle of life (and therefore, in a family) and confusing the two is counterproductive. A person is born either male or female, and when they cause a baby to be conceived they also become either father or mother, respectively. God gave us a framework within which parenting is supposed to exist:

Genesis 2:18 hub
Genesis 2:24-25 hub
Exodus 21:10 hub
1 Corinthians 7:2-3 hub
1 Corinthians 7:8-9 hub
Hebrews 13:4 hub

Not just any pair of male and female are supposed to pump out babies. With the use of the keyword "wife" in Genesis 2:24, the concept of marriage begins as early as day 6 of creation, making this social custom/tradition as old as humanity itself. God specifically made woman for man, and He gave one woman to the one man. God points out in Exodus 21:10 (and Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians 7) that making babies is a unique function of marriage (not love, lust, employment, friendship, nor any other relationship).

Making babies is a command from God, but the activity is only permitted in a very narrow spectrum of all our social relationships. It is supposed to be in a unique relationship. The definition of family is supposed to be so tight that the only 2 ways out of a family are either to leave your birth family to go start a new family of your own, or death:

Genesis 2:24 hub
Romans 7:1-3 hub
1 Corinthians 7:39 hub

Once you've made the choice to start a new family, there are only two excuses to choose to finish it:

Matthew 19:3-12 hub
1 Corinthians 7:15 hub

In (and only in) the narrow circumstances of death, infidelity, and cross-worldview abandonment, remarriage is perfectly fine. (Remarriage is explicitly approved in Romans 7:3 and 1 Corinthians 7:8-9,39. And 1 Timothy 3:2 ESV can easily be interpreted as "one at a time".) But for the rest of us, family creation is supposed to be one way, not a revolving door:

Exodus 20:14 hub
Leviticus 20:10 hub
Malachi 2:15 hub
Hebrews 13:4 hub

Marital faithfulness is such an important concept that God included it in both the 7th and 10th Commandments and then rephrased for us sinners when He visited in person:

Exodus 20:14 hub
Exodus 20:17 hub
Matthew 5:27-28 hub

Every time the topic of divorce comes up with God, it's frowned upon (for example Matthew 19:8-9). But the trick is not in being divorced, it's the choice. If your spouse leaves you for someone else, or leaves against your will, that's different than you choosing to abandon them. It's not hard to understand why Jesus's disciples balked when they heard Jesus's narrow interpretation of divorce (Matthew 19:10). This is why it's so important to make a good choice of who you want to marry up front. (Note there is no Biblically defined timeline for courtship, the point is spiritual alignment. For some couples this takes a long courtship to conclude, some have proven they can conclude quickly, and some have proven were incompetent to determine even after many dates.) Our Creator cares deeply about each of us, so it's perfectly normal He cares who we marry:

Exodus 34:15-16 hub
Deuteronomy 7:3-4 hub
Deuteronomy 23:2 hub
Proverbs 19:14 hub
Proverbs 31:30 hub
Malachi 2:11-12 hub
1 Corinthians 7:39 hub
2 Corinthians 6:14 hub

The only kind of people who believe opposite our worldview who will attract us as a mate are people who are strong enough to turn us from ours. Because we aren't attracted to losers. That's one of the key reasons why it's so dangerous to allow ourselves to be attracted to anyone with a different worldview.

As an example of God caring about our family line, there's even a command that may seem pretty strange at first, at least to a 21st Century American. The key is the second half of verse 6, beginning with "so that".

Deuteronomy 25:5-6 hub

To the modern reader, the idea of compulsive marriage to your brother-in-law probably seems weird and opressive. But remember this role was given in a culture where men had serious preference for virgins. So widowed women had little chance of remarriage. There were no dating websites for divorced or widowed women in that patriarchal culture. So the compulsion was more on the brother-in-law than the bride. This command was very much a defense of women.

As a result of being man's helper (Genesis 2:18) and the curse (Genesis 3:16) it's very common for a woman to look for a man to "fix." The Disney movie Rapunzel was one of the best examples, where the beauty of the heroine's body and mind alone caused the proud rebel/thief/criminal to change into a domesticated gentleman, without even any need for training! But the character transformation of the hero was as much fantasy as the heroine's magic golden hair. There is a fine line between looking for a person whose gaps you fill (good) and looking for someone who's terribly broken just to prove to the world how great a fixer you are. It's finer than we'd like to admit.

Parenting

Starting a family is easy. Raising one is a different matter entirely. This is why so many movies focus on the former and sitcoms focus on the later. Our Creator continues to care what we do after we marry, and after we've caused babies to be born:

Deuteronomy 4:9 hub
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 hub
Deuteronomy 8:5 hub
Deuteronomy 11:19 hub
Deuteronomy 24:5 hub
Psalm 127:3-5 hub
Proverbs 20:7 hub
Proverbs 22:6 hub
Joel 1:3 hub
Malachi 2:15 hub
Matthew 18:21-22 hub
Ephesians 5:22-33 hub
Ephesians 6:4 hub
1 Timothy 3:4 hub
3 John 1:4 hub

Raising kids is hard. Really hard. That's why there's the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child." And that saying is why when you drive down the highway you can see signs that say "childhood home of [someone famous]", because the culture of the town (of all the other parents in the community) influenced the character of how that now famous person grew up. This is also one reason it's detrimental for the majority of women to work full time. When all the men and all the women work full time, who's got time to raise the kids? (This is a generalization and a truism, it isn't meant to pick an argument.) I heard a great quote by the wife of Dr. Richard Swinson: "no success anywhere makes up for failure at home." This warning of course applies to both men and women. There's nothing magic about men working and women not, I'm just saying the Bible sets a clear example for us of gender identity and it's counterproductive for us to burden women with the responsibilities of men as well as their own. This doesn't mean women should be banned. There's just a sad reality that there are serious, negative consequences to the family and all of society when most families have both parents working full time. For one, it sets us up to be more dependent on the government, and we have to work harder to pay for the services that neighbors and friends used to freely provide, so we're more stressed and less able to contribute to our families and community.

Many of the parents in the Bible had reason to be embarrassed by their kids:

Genesis 4:8 hub
Genesis 9:22 hub
Genesis 16:2,5 hub
Genesis 19:32 hub
Genesis 20:2 hub
Genesis 26:34-35 hub
Genesis 27:12-13 hub
Genesis 29:25 hub
Genesis 30:1 hub
Genesis 37:18,27 hub
1 Samuel 2:12 hub
1 Samuel 8:4-5 hub
2 Samuel 13-14 hub

Did you catch how every family in Genesis was (at least at times) what we might today call disfunctional? This disfunction has at least two important lessons. First, it's evidence the Bible wasn't made up, because who would put crazy stories like these in fiction they wanted to sell as spiritual inspiration? Second, it's sadly normal for families to be imperfect. Don't be surprised by it and don't use the imperfection and the challenge as an excuse to do anything immoral. Solomon wrote about the disasters of crazy kids:

Proverbs 10:1 hub
Proverbs 15:20 hub
Proverbs 17:21 hub
Proverbs 17:25 hub
Proverbs 19:13 hub

The implication of these proverbs is to invest in your family as much and as early as possible (Proverbs 22:6, Psalm 127:3-5) even before you start it.

Bill Cosby had a great short story about this back in the 1990s:

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't"

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," said God.

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.

"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" The First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.

"I dunno, " Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?

Cosby's story is cute perspective in hindsight. But returning to the original, God used a best practice of warning His kids what His expectations were, the consequences of disobedience (Genesis 2:16-17), and then followed through on the first offense (Genesis 3:17-19, 3:23-24). In today's America, our culture has established norms that prolong childhood and delay maturity. The term teenager is only about a century old. In Bible times people were either children or adults, as exemplified by many Bible stories, but succinctly in 1 Corinthians 13:11. And this is why Jews still have a coming of age ceremony (called a bar mitzvah for their boys and bat mitzvah for their girls) at the age of 13.

Men and women, and more to the point mothers and fathers, think very differently. Our styles of parenting are often different (even when they are more aligned than not). As an example, Proverbs 10:1 makes a curious distinction when we read it quick. One interpretation of this is, given the effort required to raise kids, dads have a tendency to figure "oh well, despite my best efforts, if my son turns out like every other bumbling idiot, at least that's normal." But moms have different expectations, and involuntarily invest more emotionally into the maturation of their children (Isaiah 49:15a).

Proverbs 3:11-12 points out that God disciplines those He loves, and God confirmed this himself in Revelation 3:19. There's a passage in Deuteronomy 21:18-21 that may seem harsh, but the takeaway is how serious disobedience is, and the role of the strong leader to lead strongly at all costs, even if the price is your own son (which, by the way, only makes the most sense in a Biblical framework of family). God put His money where His mouth was and modeled this for us by sending His Son to die on the cross for us. Don't forget that He also simultaneously demonstrated John 15:13 (self sacrifice is the greatest form of love). And notice, there are zero examples in the Bible where anyone had to act on this instruction. And that's ok. God has the right to occasionally give us instructions just to drive good behavior, as any parent does. Another way of looking at the Deuteronomy passage is it is establishing that parents have unlimited authority over their children. (Though this God-given God-like power is only intended to be weilded by God-fearing parents.)

There are a few verses about disciplining children. Most of them were written by King Solomon. Yes, he's the guy who's kids tore the kingdom apart. But still, he was called by God the wisest man who ever lived, so he deserves some credit. (Some advice is easier to give than to follow, and sadly not all advice works for everyone all the time.)

1 Kings 3:12 hub
Proverbs 13:24 hub
Proverbs 19:18 hub
Proverbs 22:15 hub
Proverbs 23:13-14 hub
Proverbs 29:15 hub
Proverbs 29:17 hub
Colossians 3:21 hub
Hebrews 12:7-11 hub

And then of course there's what Solomon's father, David, said:

Psalm 103:13 hub

Although Solomon and his sons were the textbook example of the warning in the 2nd commandment (described at the top of this page) it could easily be argued Solomon himself was fully responsible for the kingdom's split (1 Kings 11:9-12) rather than his kids. This verse doesn't mean God is vindictive. If He were then none of us would be here. It does mean He has the right not to help everyone all the time. And we sure need His help (Deuteronomy 30:20, Acts 17:25). If you're still not convinced of God's concern for family strength, then consider the very final two verses of the Old Testament, where God emphasizes His concern and even consequences if we disregard: Malachi 4:5-6.

Do you remember the 5th Commandment? It's one of the least controversial:

Exodus 20:12 hub

It's easy to think this was the lone commandment to children. But this was given to adults and children alike. It's elaborated on multiple times:

Exodus 21:15 hub
Exodus 21:17 hub
Leviticus 19:3 hub
Proverbs 1:8 hub
Proverbs 6:20-22 hub
Proverbs 23:22 hub
Ezekiel 22:7 hub
Matthew 15:3-9 hub
Mark 7:9-13 hub
Ephesians 6:1-3 hub
Colossians 3:20 hub
1 Timothy 5:4 hub
1 Timothy 5:8 hub

It's not surprising, because it reinforces these commands He gave us:

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 hub
Deuteronomy 11:19 hub

And by the way, men, it's all on us. We are the head of the family (Ephesians 5:23). Voddie Baucham summarizes our role as "the spiritual priest, the spiritual prophet, the physical provider, and the physical and spiritual protector of our households" (1 Timothy 3:1-15, Titus 1:6-9). Men should pray for our women, not prey on them. If your family is in ruins, you are the one who has to step up first to fix it (not your wife and not your kids). If your wife is crazy, maybe you're not innocent. The good news is, if you change yourself you just might be pleasantly amazed at the change in your wife. If your kids are crazy, I am all too aware of how toxic our culture is, but it's up to you to be teaching your kids about holiness (not self righteousness) to explicitly combat the toxicity of the culture (2 Corinthians 10:3-5, Ezekiel 3:16-21). Teaching them in advance is much easier than after it's too late, and it's easier to lead by example than by hypocrisy. If this is too big a burden for you, and you're not yet romantically invovled, then that's fine (Isaiah 56:4-5, Matthew 19:10, 1 Corinthians 7:1,8,25-28) but then don't cheat the system and go through the motions of having a girlfriend. And especially don't engage in the one activity that results in babies. If you're already romantically involved in a requited love relationship (and especially if you're married) and the burden God has for fathers seems too heavy, then you need to rise to the challenge and "man up" to the consequences of your choices. When you are young it's understandable to focus on your strength and good looks, but as you get older it's important to be wise, and to remember that it doesn't happen automatically (Proverbs 9:10, Proverbs 20:29, Ecclesiastes 4:13).

There's a recurring theme that God cares for widows and orphans. Guys (and girls) don't even think about abandoning your family. Single parents, God has sympathy, that wasn't His preference:

Proverbs 11:29 hub
Isaiah 1:16-17 hub
Malachi 3:5 hub
1 Corinthians 13 hub
James 1:27 hub
1 Timothy 5:8 hub

Relating to orphans, there's strong support for adoption in the Bible. For one, Moses, Israel's greatest leader, was adopted. And Jesus was too (Matthew 1:20, 13:55-56, Luke 3:23).

Exodus 2:10 hub
Esther 2:7 hub
John 14:18 hub
Romans 8:15 hub
Ephesians 1:5 hub

While family is important, nothing has the excuse to be made into an idol. Don't usurp God in your heart with your family, keep priorities straight: God, spouse, rest of family, rest of everything. When you read these next passages, Jesus is more likely making a comparison than speaking in absolutes. In the Matthew 12 reference (and parallels), He means compared to Jesus we should hate our family, but that doesn't mean we should literally hate our family.

Deuteronomy 13:6-11
Matthew 10:35-37 / Luke 12:51-53
Matthew 12:46-50 / Mark 3:31-35 / Luke 8:19-21

Conclusions

So what does a Biblical family look like? If you want to please your desires, your lust, or your cravings, then family is a bad idea altogether (Galatians 6:8). If you want to please your Creator, then family has some serious boundaries, including get married (1 Corinthians 7:9), one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24), have kids (Malachi 2:15), no adultery (Exodus 20:14), no divorce (Matthew 19:9), and teach your kids explicitly, clearly, and repeatedly about the greatness, glory, and grace of God (Deuteronomy 6:6-7, 8:18, Psalm 78:4-8). This is also referred to as a "nuclear family," and is God's will for everyone, at least, everyone who ever wants to engage in baby making activities (1 Corinthians 7:1-2, 8-9). The term nuclear comes from the practically unbreakable bonds in the nucleus of an atom, which is why nuclear bombs which rip appart atoms and therefore release all the energy are so destructive. Is this the only definition of family? Certainly not, this is just the foundation, and each family is going to be very unique. But any ideal definition should include all this, and when we're preparing our kids for life we sure better be teaching them to recognize and strive for the ideal. By the way, the idea of staying neutral ("respectful") and allowing our children to figure out their spirituality on their own? That's not noble, it's unbiblical. God specifically commanded us to teach our kids about who He is and what He's done. Notice there is no Biblical support for the government raising our kids for us, and no Biblical support for public school. It doesn't say the government must not do those things, but no one can call it "right" when it's never described as such in the Bible. King Saul (Israel's first monarch) even asked David's father, when David was still just a boy, for permission for David to leave his family and serve in the king's court (1 Samuel 16:22). God specifically commanded parents with these responsibilities:

Deuteronomy 4:9 hub
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 hub
Deuteronomy 11:18-19 hub
Psalm 71:18 hub
Psalm 78:5-8 hub
Proverbs 22:6 hub
Isaiah 38:19 hub
Joel 1:3 hub
Malachi 2:15 hub
Ephesians 6:4 hub
2 Timothy 2:2 hub

If you don't have a nuclear family, I'm not criticizing. I do suggest you tell your (all) children their lives will unequivocally turn out better if, when it comes their time to leave their family of birth and build their family of choice, they know and do what is necessary to have a nuclear one as defined in the Bible and which honors God.

Said another way, this isn't meant to guilt people who don't have a nuclear family. If that didn't work out for you then I'm truly sorry. Remember every family that got more than a couple sentences in Genesis demonstrated medium to high levels of disfunction. But for the health of our posterity, our community, and our world, we need to be ready to distinguish between the way our life turned out and the way it should, or could have. It's not necessarily too late to learn God's best practice, even if you're a few years into your family of choice. And if your family turned out awesome, that's cool, but recognize you're in the minority, and the next generation isn't a shoo-in. Our responsibility to help the next generation and the families around us is never over. Either way, this is not about us. It's about our Creator knowing what's best, and how He's gone out of His way to tell us in advance, hoping that we'd listen to Him.

Deuteronomy 30:19-20 hub
Jeremiah 29:11 hub
1 John 5:3 hub

Because while believing in God is important, believing Him is even more. And when you believe someone, you act like they're right.

James 2:19 hub
Matthew 7:21 hub

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Last Modified: Monday 28 June 2021

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